Moving on. :)
I was driving with my dad to pick up my sister's car this morning for reasons that are neither important nor entertaining, and on the way, we ran into a funeral procession. Stuck at the light, we watched it for a moment in silence, and then he said, very nonchalantly, "So, when I die, I want to make sure there's a really long procession, and I'm not sure that I have enough friends, so how much do you think it would cost to hire people to just drive in the procession so it looks like I'm popular?"
Just in case you're wondering where I get my sense of humor from, now, you know.
I've encountered a couple of things lately that I wanted to share with you in hopes that you'd get some entertainment out of them, too. The first is this sign I found on the hotel rack in a hotel I stayed in during a recent business trip to Jacksonville, Florida.
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| YOU MAKE THE CHOICE. |
I'm sure that we are all used to seeing these when we stay in hotels; in fact, when I stay at the Westin, I always opt to get the extra SPG points over having my room cleaned and my towels changed out every day. But for some reason, this one struck me as hilarious. I know the picture is a little blurry, so let me type out what it says for you:
Dear Guest,
Every day millions of gallons of water are used to wash towels that have only been used once.
YOU MAKE THE CHOICE:
A towel on the rack means "I will use again."
A towel on the floor means "Please replace."
Thank you for helping us conserve the Earth's vital resources.
Since I see these all the time, I know the gist of what they say, so I never really stop to read them, but I am so glad I stopped to read this one, because I still laugh my ass off every time I look at it. I mean, seriously. I completely understand saving the Earth's vital resources and am all for re-using my towels for a day or two. After all, I only wash my shower towels once every week or two at home. (I really hope that's socially acceptable because if not, revealing that information just made me a social pariah.) But this one just seems so over the top. I don't know if it's the bold font and all-caps they used for the 'YOU MAKE THE CHOICE' part, but this is what I hear in my head when I read this lovely little note:
Dear Guest,
Every day, millions of gallons of water are used to wash towels that are only used once.
Are you fucking kidding me?
That is the biggest fucking waste of water I have ever heard of in my life. Dolphins and whales and children in third world countries are all dying simply because you're a lazy fuck, and you don't want to take the two seconds and five calories it will expend just to
HANG YOUR FUCKING TOWEL BACK ON THE RACK.
Wow. You're an asshole.
But, you know, it's a free country, so,
YOU MAKE THE CHOICE:
A towel on the rack means "I am a decent fucking human being, and I will hang up my towel, because it's the right fucking thing to do."
A towel on the floor means "I am the spawn of Satan, and when I die, I will certainly go straight to hell, where I will burn in fire-y pits of lava with an unquenchable thirst for all of eternity while dolphins and whales and children from third world countries drink an endless supply of water and watch and laugh."
Thank you for helping us conserve the Earth's vital resources.
Unless you choose not to hang up your towel. In that case, go fuck yourself.
In case you're wondering, I hung up my towel before I left that day.
Now that I have my own place, I have had to become even more financially responsible than I was before, so I've started to clip coupons, and the other day, when I was paging through the latest Red Plum, I came across an ad for muumuus, in leopard print, of all things. The ad bills them as "the most comfortable lounger you'll ever wear!" I'm sure it is. However, if you buy one of these, it will also most likely be the last lounger you ever wear, because wearing one of these virtually guarantees that you will die, alone, in your apartment, and your cats will most likely end up eating your face before anyone realizes you're dead and comes to get rid of your body. Look, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just trying to give you the facts. If you are single, wearing something like this will ensure that you stay that way. If you're married and you wear this around the house, you will probably, eventually, end up single. If you are plus-sized and just want something big and comfortable to wear, go to the Men's Big & Tall store and get some sweatpants and a fleece. But for the love of God, do not put this monstrosity on, because you deserve to live a happy life, and wearing one of these can only help you accomplish the exact opposite of that.
If you do decide to purchase one, and you wear it around your man, let me give you a little glimpse into how the conversation will most likely go:
You: "Hey stud, check out this comfortable lounger I bought... in fact, you might even say that it's the most comfortable lounger I'll ever wear. It's comfortable for me, but it's zebra-striped, so it's sexy for you, too. The kids are asleep; whaddya say we have a little fun?"
Him: "No."
And that's about the end of that.
Louis C.K. has a new comedy special out on HBO, and it's hilarious, so if you have a chance, you should definitely check it out. He has a bit in there about road rage that made me laugh my ass off, mostly because it was so true. I experienced it for myself the other day; I was driving to work, and some woman pulled out in front of me, not slowly enough that I was scared I would hit her, but slowly enough to irritate me, and then proceeded to drive 5 mph under the speed limit on a very long stretch of one-lane road, and while I was seething to myself behind the wheel, I literally said, out loud, "I hope you ram your car into a fucking tree!" And I immediately started laughing, not because what I said was funny, but because it was so ridiculous that I was so pissed about her driving so slowly that I expressed a desire for her to die. I mean, that's fucked up. Seriously, watch his special, and you'll understand what I'm talking about. He explains it much better than I do.
And last, but certainly not least, I'd just like to give a shout-out to all those brilliant marketing assholes out there that use Disney Princesses branding to sell shit to parents who buy it just to shut their kids up. Let me be very clear that I hate these people because their tricks don't just work on children; they work on me, too. I am a grown-ass woman, but any time I see something with the Disney Princesses on it, I momentarily regress approximately 25 years and must. have. it. immediately. When I was waiting in line at Toys R Us (see my last post) a display of miscellaneous travel-sized items caught my eye; Disney Princess themed soap, shower gel, q-tips, you name it, it was there... and I wanted it. I wanted it ALL. I mean, why the fuck would I buy that kind of stuff? I have an entire drawer filled with travel-sized products, since I travel a lot for work, and all of them are expensive, name-brand products, like Paul Mitchell and Lever 2000 and Vera Wang. But no. Fuck them. The Disney Princess themed shower gel was way cooler, even if it is made out of llama spit and the tears of a million unhappy migrant workers and smells like bubble gum on steroids. Who cares. JUST LOOK AT THE BOTTLE.
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| IT'S SO MAGICAL. |
The good news is, those screaming children snapped me out of my trance before I made any stupid impulse buys. But I do already own Disney Princess band-aids, and they are pretty much the coolest fucking things ever.
Sorry I'm not sorry.
Have a good weekend, my loves!
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