Unfortunately, I rarely take enough time for that step, because I'm usually off and running the next race already.
I was thinking about that today, and it's pretty symbolic of my life in general. It's symbolic of most people's lives, truth be told. We're always looking ahead, focusing on what's next, and worrying about what we don't have, instead of living in the moment and being thankful for everything that we do have. I'm not going to wax philosophic about this, because anything I said would be something you've read in a thousand "Live Your Happiest Life Today" articles and books written by bald men and women in power suits who have found a way to have it all and will share their secrets with you for just three low payments of $19.95 (plus shipping and handling). Instead, I want to share some of the truths I've realized lately that were hard to face, but I think finally facing them is going to make me a lot stronger in the long run.
I've been in and out of talk therapy for a lot of my life, which is a fact that I'm not in any way ashamed of. Most of it was family-oriented, due to all the struggles we faced as a result of my mom's chronic illness. All of the therapists I've seen have had different approaches, but the one thread that tied them all together was their recognition of my codependency. There are many different ways to explain codependency, but the definition most applicable to me is as follows:
"It often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others."
Basically, my happiness has always needed to stem from the happiness of others, and their recognition of the fact that I went out of my way to make them happy/fulfill their needs. I now have a solid understanding of how this developed in my life, and recognizing this in myself was/is half of the battle. Still, I'm not sure that it's something I will ever grow out of entirely. As awful as it was/is to give that power away, it's equally as terrifying to begin to take that power back; to focus on myself, and my needs, and my happiness. I mean, after almost thirty years of ignoring what I wanted and needed (in the broad, intrinsic sense, of course) how am I supposed to magically turn it all around?
Slowly, that's how.
When I started at my job three years ago, that was the beginning. It's the first job I've held, ever, where I feel valued, and appreciated, and am doing something that I, for the most part, love.
My mom passing away was the second milestone. A lot of my guilt and stress - over not having enough time to spend with her, not having any money to give her so she could afford things she couldn't otherwise due to being disabled and having astronomical medical bills, not being able to make her better - was replaced, when she died, by a sense of sadness and loss that is much easier to process through, though certainly not any easier to feel.
The third and most recent milestone occurred when I moved into my new place at the beginning of May. And I love it here; I love the neighborhood, my neighbors are very kind, I love the way I've decorated, and the way that it's always clean when I walk in the door. But I came home the other day, and I walked in, and I looked around, and thought to myself, "Shit. This is it. It's about me now. My mom is gone. I have my own place. I have a good job. I am getting my debt under control. I still want to work on my weight and my health but... what comes after that?"
And I didn't know the answer, and in that moment, that scared the shit out of me.
I know that that's okay. I mean, no one has all the answers. I certainly continue to take positive steps each day, like making my workouts a priority, cooking healthy meals, and learning Spanish through Rosetta Stone. And there are some things I know I want someday, like the chance to travel the world, and to learn about photography, and eventually, to get married and have a family of my own. But the point of it all is, it's time now for me to figure all of that out. It's not in the future anymore. Now is the future. Which, again, is both exhilarating and terrifying.
Perhaps the majority of my strength as of late has, ironically, come from denying myself things that are bad for me, no matter how badly I want them in the moment. As this strength inside of me grows, it is altering my relationship with food for the better (although I will always love to eat); and next to the sadness that I can't quite dislodge from my chest, I also now feel a sense of pride when I don't pick up the phone and call or text a certain person with whom I'd previously been very close, because I know I deserve better than the 'second-best' position that they put me in. It's been a long time since I've had the strength to deny myself these things, so I know that this, too, is a step in the right direction.
I don't know if I'll ever have all of the answers, and I don't know if it will ever stop being scary, but what I do know is this: I want to take back my happiness. I want to learn how to be happy because I am who I am; to love who I love, and be who I want to be, and do the things I want to do, and know that, even if I don't learn Spanish or lose weight or meet someone and fall in love and have a family of my own - even if it's just me, on my own, for the rest of my life - I'll be brave enough to find happiness in whatever life may throw my way, because instead of looking for it outside, it will be coming from within.
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