Seven Golden Rings

Oh my God. I haven't blogged since September. That's insane. Where the hell has the time gone? I hope you all had a wonderful holiday, and that your 2014 is shaping up to be the best damn 2014 ever. Mine? Well, it's been pretty crazy thus far. I've written quite a few blog posts, and ended up deleting them all because I'm a crazy perfectionist and I just couldn't find the right tone. I started a new diet plan, and a new diet and fitness blog, but then gave up on both in favor of something much more long term, with the emotional support that I so desperately need. Besides, fitness blogs tend to bore even me, so why the hell would anyone want to read about the fact that "OMG I HIT MY H20 GOAL TODAY AND GOT MOVING, TOO. I WALKED TWO MILES. GO ME! #I'MAWESOME #ONEDAYATATIME #2014LET'SDOTHIS.

Ugh. No. Just, no.

I was off for a bit over the holiday but am back in the thick of things at work, ramping up for the quickly approaching 2014 tour season. And over the past month, I've watched not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, but seven of my friends get engaged. That's right. Seven of my friends, in the past month, have started their journey toward "happily ever after" with the love of their lives. And Dear Sweet Baby Jesus lying in his manger, reading his little Baby Einstein books, learning about shapes and colors, I am so happy for them. So happy. Like, riding unicorns and puking rainbows happy. I love love, and I love my friends, and I love weddings (um hello, men in sexy formal wear and free booze? Sign me up!) so really, it's a win-win-win situation. Plus, what girl doesn't like to dress up and get her hair done and look like a princess stand next to her friend and support her on arguably the most important day of her life? Plus free booze! 

However. 

As a 30 year old single woman with only one dating prospect on the horizon (which is more than usual so I suppose that's a step in the right direction) and with the insecurities of a normal 30 year old woman and with boobs that are just not getting any perkier, every time another one of my friend's boyfriends slides a gorgeous diamond ring onto their finger, a tiny little part of my soul curls up into a ball, binges on a pint of Ben & Jerry's, and falls asleep after crying its way hysterically through Love, Actually. 

The no-holds-barred truth is this: my immediate reaction to engagement news is not elation and joy. That comes second. First, my stomach drops, and my throat gets tight, and I feel this heat spreading through my body and my head feels like it's floating away. After that passes, I am legitimately so excited for them, and love helping all of them plan their showers and bachelorette parties and weddings. But my initial reaction is always the same. 

This makes me feel like an awful, selfish, horrible, awful person. Just awful. But it's the truth.

One of my co-workers sent me the below blog post yesterday, not because of the 'single' part, but because she said this woman's writing reminded her of mine. I almost spit out my coffee when I read it, so the compliment was much appreciated, but I think what made it so funny is the fact that it's so true. In a vulgar, roundabout way, she touches on a lot of good, solid, real points. So, give it a read, and then come back here so we can finish this post together. 

Ten Things Your Single Friends Are Tired of Hearing

I think the most important thing I took away from her post was this: it is human nature to want to find someone to spend the rest of your life with. It is part of being alive. Am I jealous that my friends have found that, and I haven't? Of course I am, but just a little. And that doesn't mean I can't be over-the-moon happy for them, too. It's really not about the fact that I haven't found it yet. It's about the fact that, as much as I hate to admit it because I feel like it's letting my insecurities win, I'm scared that I never will.

So I was thinking about this last night. "Okay Ginger," I said to myself, out loud, while my dog looked at me like I was crazy. "Close your eyes and pretend you're 50 years old, and you've never married. What does your life look like?" And after the initial stomach dropping - head floating phenomenon, I was incredibly surprised to find that my life really didn't look that bad. In fact, it didn't look bad at all. I may joke with my friends and family about dying alone, but that's not what I saw. I saw happiness. I saw success. I saw people I love around me. And I saw the freedom to make my own choices, day after day, to enrich and enhance my own life. 

"You'll find it when you aren't looking," they say. "You can't be happy in a relationship until you're happy with yourself first. You're still young, you've got all the time in the world. You're too picky! But don't settle. You need to put yourself out there more." All of these things are probably true. But I know two things that will always be true: number 1, no matter what happens, I'm gonna be okay. And number 2, if you need me, I'll be shaking my ass on the dance floor at all of these weddings, drinking straight out of the champagne bottle. Cuz that's just how I roll.