Matters of the Heart

There's a song that keeps running through my head today; a beautiful song called Human After All by the very talented Sierra Noble. There's one verse in particular that I can't stop thinking about.

If I'd know that it would end

I would have paid a little more attention

Memorized every look and touch

Every fragment of us

Remember, we said we were gonna live forever

And we would paint over the writing on the wall?

Chase that sunset till we're blind, then wake up to find

We are only human after all...

Isn't that how it goes? Pain is a part of life; people are going to hurt you, and disappoint you, and let you down, and the biggest challenge of all is trying not to let the past affect your future. Once you've had your heart broken, it takes a herculean effort to forget how difficult that was to bounce back from and remain open to the joy of a potentially new beginning. It's a daily challenge, after that new beginning, to enjoy the middle when you're constantly living in fear of the end... and I believe that, for whatever reason, it's even more difficult for me than most. Somewhere deep in the recesses of my conscious, no matter how my logical mind tries to point out how ridiculously ovedramatic it is, and how the actions of a few, even in succession, shouldn't create an expectation, is a whisper-scream that tugs at my heart and refuses to be stifled. "Everybody leaves," it says, "because you're not worth the fight."

I've mentioned before that grief, to me, feels like a bottomless chasm; one that, if not approached carefully, will absorb you completely. There have been days, in the past few months since my mom's death, where I've felt closer to the edge than usual, to the point where it's physically uncomfortable, but I've managed to turn myself around and keep going. Today, though... today, I feel like I've fallen in, and I don't know what to do, and I don't know where to turn, and the overwhelming hopelessness of it all cuts me to the core.

But this is not who I am.

I am the girl who will do anything to make you laugh. Who believes in happily ever after. Who has so much to offer the world, and so much love to give. I am brilliant, and fiercely loyal, and thoughtful, and I always strive to see the best in people, no matter who they are or where they came from. I would never purposefully do anything to hurt anyone, but I am human, and I make mistakes.  I believe in second, and third, and fourth chances. I am accident prone, but in a clumsy, endearing way. I love Broadway musicals and holidays and snow and severe weather and Jameson and oversized hooded sweatshirts and cuddling and I prefer rainy days to sunny. I am too sensitive, and I am easily hurt, but I am also quick to forgive. When I'm happy, I sing-speak. I get excited over silly things, like sparkles and vibrantly colored pens and Ring Pops and Disney movies and I believe, really believe, in true, unadulterated, can't-live-without-you love. I am also impatient, insecure, and imperfect, but damnit, that doesn't mean that I am not worth loving.

That doesn't mean that I am not worth the fight.

 Life is beautiful, but it's challenging. Love is, too. Nothing worth it is ever easy; you just have to know which battles are the right ones to fight, which is no simple task. I'm just tired of fighting one-sided. I'm tired of being the one to work harder, to step outside the box, to love without limits or geographical boundaries. I don't quit because it's too hard. I don't believe in "too hard". Call me a hopeless romantic, but if you care about someone, really care about them, you do your best to find a way to make it work. I wonder if I'm ever going to find the person who thinks that I'm worth a little bit of 'difficult'. After all, you have to at least try before you can fail.

I realize that I've been fighting the wrong battles, with different men who are all, deep down, exactly the same, over and over and over again. I realize that I'm going to make a lot of mistakes, and kiss a lot of frogs, and nurse a lot of broken hearts during the course of my lifetime. But sometimes, you need to take a step back and be sad, and hurt, and overwhelmed, and know that even as you make your way through that pint of Ben & Jerry's and half a box of tissues while watching The Notebook for the third time, you're going to be okay. The hurting sucks, but it's necessary to heal.

I have a date with my comfy pajamas, some ice cream, and my puppy tonight, because today, I am hurting. I just hope that means that the healing part is right around the corner.