Adult Sleepovers

Alright. Since we're all friends here, I think it's time that I wax poetic on a subject that's been on my mind as of late. I was having a sleepover of the adult nature in an undetermined location with an undisclosed person either recently or not so recently and as I was lying there trying to fall asleep, I came the the following conclusion: I'm not a huge fan of sleeping with other people. (In the non-biblical sense, of course. I'm not crazy.) Here's the thing, though... I love to cuddle in bed. Absolutely love it. So, in my ideal world, after sex and/or cuddling, I would be able to beam myself into the comfort of my own bed to sleep, and then beam myself right back into my adult friend's/boyfriend's bed just in time for a morning sex/cuddle session.

I'm fairly certain that I will never be able to say this to someone.
 

Why? Well, first and foremost, I snore. I snore loudly. I have major sinus issues, and despite the fact that they're the culprit, and it's not something can be helped, it's still super embarrassing, especially when you first start dating someone. I mean, you spend all that time shaving, and waxing, and tweezing, putting on makeup and doing your hair and choosing just the right outfit, complete with matching undergarments if you know/hope you're going to get lucky that night (side note: when my bra and underwear match, it really makes me feel like I have my life together. I just needed to take a moment to say that) and then, after it's all said and done, there's that awkward moment when you're like... "Shit. I really want to stay, and I've worked this hard, and I can handle the smudged eyeliner and morning breath tomorrow, but will he still want to date me when I've kept him up with my freight train-like snoring all night?" When I do decide to brave the storm, most of the time, the guy is a gentleman; if I did end up keeping him awake, they never say anything about it. However, I have been called out on it before, and it always makes me feel like an asshole.

Guys, I am telling you, if your girl snores, DO NOT TELL HER. This is one of the very few instances when I am going to encourage you to lie. If she asks if she snores, either tell her she doesn't, or tell her she does but you think it's cute, and then buy some earplugs and shut the hell up about it.

Next up is the drooling. I don't really have a problem in this department, but I feel it's worth mentioning. Sure, sometimes I need to wipe off the side of my face a bit before I roll over to say 'Good Morning' (with the sheet pulled halfway up my face to contain my morning breath, of course) but I've never had to worry about leaving wet spots on pillows or anything like that. Thank God for small favors. And I don't really see the whole 'morning breath' thing as a reason to hate sleeping next to someone... it's inevitable, and can be easily remedied by an early morning trip to the bathroom and a quick once-over with a toothbrush or rinse with some mouthwash, so, morning breath, you're off the hook here.

The third reason I hate sleeping next to someone only applies to a few people. I have the bladder of a pregnant woman. Literally. I could abstain from water for 12 hours before bed, and I'd still have to get up to pee at least twice during the course of the night. I'm really not sure why this is embarrassing for me, but for some reason it is. It generally goes something like this:

Me: Shit. What time is it? Jesus H Christ, it's only been two hours since I went to sleep, and I peed right before I got into bed, and I haven't had any thing to drink since six hours ago so how the fuck do I already have to pee? Ok. Well. He's still snoring, so maybe I can just sneak to the bathroom without waking him up.

Him: *chooses that minute to stop snoring so I can't tell if he's still asleep or if he's awake*

Me: Damnit. Seriously? Ok. I'm just going to roll over and try to go back to sleep.

(Five minutes later)

Me: This is stupid. Who cares if I have to get up to pee seven times? Would I care if HE got up to pee seven times? No. I'd just roll over and go back to sleep. Why am I even thinking about this? Why is this even a big deal? Fuck. I really have to pee. I'll just wait until he starts snoring again.

Him: *still not moving or snoring*

Me: Alright, fuck it, I'm just going to get up.

Him: *stars snoring softly*

Me: Thank God. Ok, I'll just wait a few minutes until he's really asleep, and then go.

(Ten minutes later)

Me: Ok, here we go.

At this point, I slowly remove one leg from under the covers, then the other, then sit up quickly and pause, holding my breath and praying that he'll keep snoring. If he does, I tiptoe out of the room and into the bathroom where I breathe a sigh of relief and feel a ridiculous sense of accomplishment. If his snoring stops, I abandon all pretense, say 'Fuck it' and just go to the bathroom anyway, but without said sense of accomplishment. Afterwards, I blindly grope my way back to bed and settle back in with a contented smile on my face... and usually end up repeating the whole process again 2-3 hours later.

Stupid tiny bladder.

Fourth on the list is the touching. I hate to be touched when I sleep. I love to cuddle, but once I'm ready to head off to Dreamland, you need to roll over and get your damn hands/legs off me. I don't even let my dog sleep on my bed for this reason. I must be free to flail about and toss and turn in whatever manner I see fit, or I will suffer from a bout of claustrophobia that will render me completely unable to fall asleep. I also spend most nights alternately too hot or too cold and having your warm, sweaty body pressed up against me is not going to help matters. 

And last but definitely not least, the #1 reason I hate sleeping next to someone.....

Sleep farts.

 

Look. We all do it. Some more than others, maybe, but we are all guilty. I was introduced to sleep farting for the first time by the boyfriend I was living with about six years ago, but, being a lady, and knowing it was completely natural, I never brought it up to him. Plus, men love farting, so he probably would have just laughed and then dutch ovened me. Farting is natural, and fart jokes are hilarious, but farting and then bragging about or commenting on the smell or the volume or the length of either is just ridiculous. Regardless, if he farted in his sleep, I was pretty sure that I did, too, so I figured it was just one of those unspoken things. That is, until it came up during an argument one day. I don't even remember what we were arguing about, but his rebuttal to one of my smartass comments was this:

 

The Ex: (Yelling) "Yeah? Well, you fart in your sleep!"

Me: (Yelling) "Yeah, well, so do you!"

The Ex: (Yelling some more) "Gross, nasty farts!"

Me: (Quiet pause as my face turns bright red) Well. That's embarrassing.*

 

*Author's note: As you can tell, we had a very mature, adult relationship.

 

It was at this point that he realized he crossed the line and tried to assure me that he was just being a dick, but the damage had been done. Ever since that moment, I've been traumatized. Now, when I first start sleeping with a guy, I spend most of my nights awake so I don't have to risk doing anything embarrassing in my sleep. It takes a really long time for me to get comfortable enough to actually start to sleep/snore/sleep fart. And when I do, you should take it as a compliment. It just means that I really, really like you.