It's been a rollercoaster of a week, which is funny, because not all that much is happened. Maybe it's just because I feel like I've been running on empty since last Saturday, when I worked one of the longest, coldest, most challenging and most trying events I've ever attended in my life. My plane home was three hours delayed on Sunday and I had to head right back into the office Monday morning without a real chance to rest; I pushed through, but my body finally shut down on Wednesday night and gave in to whatever bug I've been fighting.
I hate being sick. I mean, no one really likes to be sick, but it tends to take some kind of emotional toll on me, in addition to the physical. I hate sitting on my couch or lying in bed all day, even when I need it. It means I have time to think, and that's not always a good thing for me; these days, especially. I'm so far immersed in the spinning hamster wheel of my thoughts lately that sometimes it's hard to find my way out of the cycle; more often than not I want to just scream at the top of my lungs in an effort to drown out my never-ending inner monologue. Since yesterday was Valentine's Day, I knew if I stayed home with my thoughts the results would probably be catastrophic, so I went to work. Today, though, I stayed home to take care of myself, and it's resulted in a few post-V-Day realizations, which I am now going to share with you.
I don't hate Valentine's Day. I don't hate it in the slightest. I don't think it's a dumb holiday, either. Sure, maybe it's a Hallmark holiday, and yes, I agree that you should make your significant other feel special all year long, not just on Valentine's Day, but I still think it's a fun excuse to do something fun and make your man/woman feel special. That being said, this Valentine's Day actually made me sad, but not for the reason you might think. I spent some time reflecting on relationships past, and thinking about what I want for my future, and it made me frustrated to realize how far off track I've wandered.
You see, I haven't dated much, and unfortunately, I've always cared way too much about what people think of me; put these two facts together, and it leaves me feeling like my lack of dating experience means I'm not pretty enough, or smart enough, or that I'm just somehow not enough, period. It's a pretty shitty way to feel. Now, I will take my part of the blame in this. Some of it is a self esteem issue, to be sure. Over the course of my lifetime, I've begun to let the way that other people treat me - especially some of the men I've dated - affect the way I feel about myself, and that's something that I struggle with each and every day. When I have so many wonderful people in my life who love me and genuinely think the world of me, why do I let one man who doesn't seem to care whether or not I exist and/or is too emotionally unavailable to commit or want to make me feel like an important part of his life make me feel so awful about who I, inherently, am?
Rhetorical question, but I really wish I would knock that shit off.
I certainly don't need a man in my life. I don't believe that anyone should need a man or woman to make them happy; there definitely is something to be said for the whole "you can't be happy with someone else until you're happy with yourself" thing. But just because I don't need a man in my life doesn't mean that I don't want to find someone to build a family and share my life with. I'm not in any way desperate for this to happen this moment; rather, it's something I want for my future. A life goal, if you will. And when you have goals, you take small steps to achieve them, right? Unfortunately, I've been doing the opposite, and it's a hard realization to face.
I've got a lot of love to give. I don't mean that in some freaky, obsessive, Fatal Attraction way. I mean that I am a genuinely kind, honest, and caring person, who tries to see the best in people. I'm not perfect. I have flaws. But when I care about someone, when I feel that spark, they get all of me. I don't date other people on the side. In fact, I don't even entertain the fact of finding someone else. Because when I'm dating someone long term, it's because I care about them, and I enjoy being with them, and I want to see if there is a future there worth pursuing. Isn't that the point of it all?
Well, I feel like I've woken up in some crazy Twilight Zone of relationships, because suddenly, instead of that, it's become about constantly being on the lookout for someone better. Not wanting to settle. Being scared of commitment. Making excuses for why the relationship is too difficult to take to the next level. And trust me, I get that. I get wanting to make sure you've found the right person. But I've watched my closest friends pair off, get married, and have kids, and live as happily-ever-after as real life allows, and I'm sitting here wondering how the hell I keep finding myself in these psuedo-relationships, and why I allow myself to continue to get sucked into them. "I like you but I don't want to be with you but I don't want you to be with anyone else." I hear those words, and stupid, naive, kind-hearted me says, well, give him a chance. Maybe he just needs time. Maybe he's just been hurt. Maybe he really does care about you, but he just doesn't know how to show you. Maybe if I just prove to him that I'm not going anywhere....
All of those things may be true, but, stupid, naive, kind-hearted Heather, I am telling you as an older and wiser Heather whose heart has been put through the wringer that the next time you hear some facimile of those words, you need to close up shop and move on. Not a week later. Not a day later. Not almost ten months later. Immediately. Because you want, and you deserve, more than that. (And for God's sake, go back and read the post you wrote about the Five Simple Rules of Dating and follow your own advice. You were on to something there.) This doesn't necessarily make him a bad person, but it certainly does mean you want different things, so you need to stop wasting your time.
I guess what I'm really saying is this: I need to remember that my wants, needs and feelings in a relationship aren't any less or more important than the other person's. I'm tired of pretending that they're not in order to fool myself into thinking I'm okay with the way things are, all because I'm scared of giving up too soon on someone that I truly care about. If I need more than what I'm getting, that's okay. I'm not being unrealistic, and I'm not being too demanding. I know that relationships take a lot of compromise from both parties, and I am intelligent enough to know when it's too one-sided. I'm finally, finally, being honest with myself, which is something I should have been doing all along.
So how does this tie back to Valentine's Day? Well, I was enjoying watching my Facebook feed yesterday, looking at the photos and posts about all the wonderful things my friend's significant others/husbands/wives did for them to celebrate the holiday, and it got me thinking. Although I'm far from materialistic, I want that. When I do finally get into a serious relationship again, I want it to be with a man who WANTS to make me happy; who WANTS to make me feel special, and loved, and secure, the same way I want to do for him. A man who sends me flowers on Valentine's Day not because he feels obligated, but because he knows that I personally feel like there are few things more wonderful than receiving flowers at work from my boyfriend, on Valentine's Day or any other day of the year. That's just me. And if I'm going to find this guy, I need to stop with the bullshit. I need to stop holding on to relationships that are holding me back. I know when I've done all I can do; I know when I start to bleed for the other person, and I'm tired of being wrung dry. I blame myself for this. All I can be is who I am, and I can only give so much. If it's not enough, I need to learn to walk away, instead of turning into someone I'm not in an effort to make them happy. That's not fair to anyone involved.
So, it's time to cut the cord, so to speak. There's a quote I love that fits pretty well here: "Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience." Well, I've had a hell of a lot of both. And even though these next few steps are going to be difficult, I'm going to keep my head up, and keep hoping that, maybe someday, this broken road will lead me to exactly what I've been looking for all along.
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