Dead Mom Jokes & Halloween Pants

I dyed my hair dark, dark brown on Monday night. It looks pretty fucking amazing. I've always wanted to go brunette, I've just never had the guts to do it before. With all the crazy stuff going on in my life, I figured that my hair color was the least of my worries. It's a drastic change, and I love it - it kind of makes me feel like a different person. More vibrant. More unpredictable. More exciting. Like that girl who has been stuck for the past few months feeling sad and lost was kicked to the side, replaced by this new woman who grabs life by the balls and doesn't take shit from anyone. Who knew a hair color could do that? I want to call the company who makes this color and tell them they should change the name from 'Brown Bombshell' or 'Naked Tree Bark' or 'Brunette-tastic' or whatever the hell it's called to 'Grab Life By the Balls Brown'.

Yesterday, one of my co-workers, Sean, was making casual conversation with another co-worker about someone wearing pink flip-flops. As you all know, pink is my favorite color, so I was naturally very excited and wanted to find out who this person was, because they were clearly my soul-mate on every level. I mean, not only was their choice of footwear pink, it was also my favorite type; I practically live in flip-flops year-round, because my feet hate being confined, just like my soul. I jumped in to the conversation and asked who they were talking about, and Sean turned to me and said, 'Your mom does!'

Oh, Sean.

Sean, Sean, Sean.

I thought you knew me better than that.

I stood there for a split second that seemed to last for an eternity, fighting a very intense internal battle; every fiber of my being was screaming at me to grab that lobbed ball and spike it right back into his face, but there was still some tiny shred of human decency that was begging me not to. I bet you can guess which side won.

"MY MOM IS DEAD, SEAN!" I yelled, at a just-above-appropriate level for an office setting, and immediately started laughing my ass off. Crazy, I-can't-breathe, gasping for air laughter that was only exacerbated when I exited my cubicle and saw his face. I've never seen someone turn so red. He couldn't even look at me. I assured him numerous times that I was just fucking with him, just in case he couldn't already tell by the fact that I could barely speak because I was laughing so hard. I can't help repeating the story every chance I get to everyone who wasn't there to witness, and every time I repeat it, it gets even funnier. God. Part of me feels like a horrible person, but it's a small, small part. Mostly, I just want to pat myself on the back, because damnit, that was funny.



Comfiest. Pants. Ever.

Speaking of funny, I'm wearing these pants today. Before you judge, you should know that they are the softest, most comfortable pair of fleece pajama pants I've ever worn. So, while you're sitting there after a Halloween candy binge with the waistband of your stiff, unforgiving jeans digging into your stomach, I'll be sitting pretty in these babies, well on my way to nap-town. I am also showcasing to the world that I know how to have a good time while still being a mature adult - aka, not wearing a slutty nurse/maid/pirate costume to work. That would just be inappropriate. (But that will be happening later tonight. Get excited.)


Happy Halloween, everyone!