Text messages with God and/or Jesus

Not long ago, my Facebook account was hacked, and a bunch of people texted me to let me know that I should change my password. One of the texters had a 971 area code; I didn't recognize the number, and when I tried to figure out who it was, shit just got weird.

(971): U miss me yet?

Me: I probably do but here's the funny thing... I don't know who this is.

(971): It's GOD. U have strayed from the flock my child.

Me: That's the understatement of the century.

That was on the 12th of September. I left it at that, because clearly, this person thought they were hilarious, and I'm all for some good-natured fun. Besides... what if it really WAS God? I mean, He is all-mighty, which means that He probably knows how to send text messages, right? I mean, He/She created the person, that created the person, that created the person (ad nauseum) that created them, so text messages have really been in the works since the beginning of time.

By the way, God, with that in mind, couldn't you have brought them into existance a bit sooner? Text messaging would have helped all those times as a kid that I got lost in department stores and had to page my parents over the loudspeaker. Now that I think about it, I got lost in stores an inordinate amount of times when I was a kid. I'm not really sure if it's because I was easily distracted by shiny things, or if it was because my parents were. Although, where else would I have gotten it from?

Anyway, back to my 'word up' from the Omnipotent. On the 16th of September, a Sunday, I heard from Him/Her again. (Who am I to judge whether or not God is male or female?)

(971): I didn't see u in church today my child

Me: Yeah I know, so sorry I didn't make it.

(One hour later)

Me: Ok, seriously who is this.

(971): You will know that I am the Lord. The body and the blood, the one the Hebrews call Jesus Christ.

Me: Seriously.

(971): Words quoted from George Washington, "I cannot tell a lie". I am He, the Chosen One.

Me: Ok. I'm not gonna press the issue. Sorry Jesus.

(971): No need to apologize, u will find ur faith.

It was at this point that I was like, HA. It's totally NOT God. I hadn't been texting JESUS a few days prior, I had been texting GOD. Although, now that I think about it, if it really was God, maybe He/She was just trying to throw me off so I didn't call CNN/60 Minutes and try to get them to buy my story. They'd never even consider it if the facts didn't check out. They'd be all like, "Umm... well, up here, the texter claims that they're God, and down here, they claim that they're Jesus, soooo... we're gonna have to take a pass. But we'd like to offer you a free trip to Alaska as a consolation prize! Just climb in this nice, padded van and they'll take you to the airport. And here's a free jacket for you. The sleeves tie in the back because it's extra cold, and we want to make sure you stay warm!" And if I would have texted Him/Her back and called Him/Her out on the inconsistency, I'm sure He/She wouldn't have wanted to correct me and make me feel like an asshole, because 'God loves', and all that jazz, so I would have been stuck right back at square one.

Or maybe Jesus's cell phone wasn't working (if that's the case, he probably has AT&T) and he borrowed his Dad's/Mom's phone to shoot a text to Gabriel about shooting pool or something that night, and when he was done, he noticed the texts to me and was all like, "Oh hey, Dad/Mom is fucking with the earth-dwellers again, I totally want in," and I was just the lucky recipient.

God totally has a sense of humor.

And how did He/She know that I wasn't in church? I always go to church. And by 'always' I mean 'at least once a month'. And by 'at least once a month', I mean, 'at least whenever I have to sing'. Look, I'm human, and I'm trying; I enjoy my church and the people who belong there, and I believe in God, but I just don't know where I stand on the whole organized religion thing, so sometimes, especially lately, I like to sleep instead of trying to make myself look presentable for God. I mean, that's just a LOT of pressure. Does He/She like it when I wear my hair straight, or curly? Up, or down? Should I wear silver or gold jewelery? If I don't wear underwear, will He/She think I'm a hussy? Honestly. It's enough to make me want to crawl back into bed right now.

I feel that I should also mention that since we, as Catholics, believe that the church is God's house, it's really weird to me that no one takes off their shoes when they enter. I mean, that's just poor manners.

I haven't heard from God/Jesus since, so I can only assume that my mom is up there helping them plan their next text bomb. Hey Mom, if you're listening, forget about the text pranks, and work on those winning lottery numbers instead, okay?